Don't Be an @$$hole for Too Long!

I have been finding much wisdom packed into the past couple of weeks. It has been coming from all sorts of sources, and I feel that I am starting to really open up to it, which is less than fun for me because I have for so long been a creature of rebellion and dissent; to the point of identifying myself more by that than by my relationship to Christ.

My problem is that I am coming to an end pass where I am being forced to decided who I am and who I want to be. I have to really look at myself and find my flaws and strengths, scrutinize and label my character and reputation. This is not an easy thing to accomplish because my mood for that day can really affect my ability to see into myself. If I force myself to do this, though, I will at least have some footing in the process of becoming a better me.

Heads up before I get too into me, though; I have found strange sources of wisdom, noticing how they have come into fruition through these strange sources because I have made too clear a choice to ignore God's Word where I should be listening to it. These sources include my sadness, drunkenness, and most strangely during a moment on which the remote control was not working. This moment was when I was flipping through channels and it stopped on VH1, and on this channel there was a Kanye West performance. As irritating as this was, because I have for the most part thought of Kanye as a man who lacked the significant talent necessary to come up with original music, Kanye was working in spoken word (as opposed to rap - because there is a difference) and was saying about how he grew up in Chicago and that everyone there engrained him with such homophobia that he was afraid to even be near one, lest he be called one himself. Asking, rhetorically, what to say to a man who was raised like that when he wants to talk to a homosexual, he resolved to say that Chicago was wrong, and pointed out that his broken nature built up by his home was wrong; ending this verse - which utilized the words far more artistically - with the phrase "Don't be an asshole for too long."

This, and many other things, really got me to thinking about myself. I know that on surface level - and most likely to some fair depth - I am and appear to be an asshole; something I have even prided myself on. I cuss WAY too much, I insult people relentlessly, I never care enough about my education, and my nonchalance has become a burden to far too many people. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but it is the start of it all. Why has this come into being for my life? Why do I work so hard to have a negative image? Most simply, I want to be that person, I want for people to be distant from me, becaue I don't want to be vulnerable again. My bad experiences in life have led me to want to separate myself from those who can hurt me, which is why I can make so many people like me yet minimize the amount of people who I would have intimate conversations with. If people are nearest and dearest to me, that means that they have they ability to let me down harder than anyone else can. I dont want to put that burden on anyone, nor do I want to be that burden. But no, this is not true, either. I want to be that guy in everyone's life, and I want others to be that for me. I want someone that is in my life and involved in my life, to push at me and accept me totally; pushing me to become better. I want to be the person people come to in times of need, when they need to confide in someone, find wisdom in, or simply ask for advice.
Here is the problem though, I fight things, because I am weak. I appear strong and fortified, but barely scratch the surface and one would be able to see that I fall to easily to sin, rebellion and the advice of the unseen devils. My pain is affecting me to extents they never should be allowed to, because I have allowed my past to go far beyond suggesting my present, but dictate it with unyeilding pressure. Like gangrene, the sins cast against me in the past have infected much of my body and are still trying to spread into my heart.
There is hope in the Lord, and in this I am certain. Because my God has promised to free me from sin, I can rest assured in Him and know that he will remove it all, so that all it is is a tool for His glorious kingdom.

My problem is this - Discipline
Because I have failed to properly excerise discipline, I have failed to be the best person I can be. Without discipline, I do not understand depravity, nor do I have focus. Discipline is a driving force behind wisdom. I need to practice discipline, so that I may truly experience a right relationshi with God, with people, and with myself. I need to develop control of my body, of my tongue, of my mind, of my soul. I need to learn how to give myself up, how to become true to all, and how to properly alignmyself with the Will of the Lord.
I know that I said I need to control my tongue, but I know it is necessary to repeat Kanye to make sure that the emphasis is correctly placed, because he had a very stong and profound point when he said "Don't be an asshole for too long." The center of the sentence is pivotal, because it has character to it. The harsh word is not known to be used very often as a term of endearment, in fact, it is known to be used as a oint of giving a person a very distinct and negative personality. The very meaning of the word is one that is recognized for the oint of it being related to human waste, so right of the bat, being called or described as such, a man is refered to with the same conotation as a person who is the exriment of society. Moving on in the sentence, beyond the meaning of the word used, Kanye has a point that he may not have even realized himself. By being one for too long, a person will always be known as that, and the reputation will be difficult to get away from. With such a reputation, the likely course of action will be for such a person to embrace it (like I have) and continue on as such so that he will not have to worry about letting people down. Also, by being one too long, one will begin to believe that about themselves, and may be stuck as such a person, and never challenge themselves to become any better, to seek true humanity.

Recently, a good friend of mine challenged me perhaps far more than she realizes. During a conversation I had with her, she dared to tell me that she had looked at me at a far deeper level than I allow to be seen to most, and she told me that I was a good person, and that I had potential to be great, and that there was a chance for me to be the best me. More than many of the things she had told me during this conversation, this opened my eyes to something; I don't have to be the person I have been identifying myself as. I don't have to swear a lot to get my points across, I do not have to be insulting to gain notice. Most shocking to me was the idea that I don't have to be an asshole. As odd as it seemes, up until now I did not even realize that I was living under the idea that I have to be an asshole. I do not have to have an abrasive personality, and that I can let people in and can be vulnerable. Now reborn under Christ, I have choice and free will, and I really can choose to be a better person.
So what do I want to do with this? Here is what I know I want:
1. Stop cussing - It is a gross habit that is unattractive and brings humor out of vulgarity, showing only that I was too undisciplined to come up with a more fitting way of saying something I intended to be comedic.
2. Stop insulting/gossiping - There is no need to tear down my brothers and sisters, they have just as many insecurities and vulnerabilities as I do. Bringing a person down is not the correct way of pulling myself up.
3. Gain control over my body - This is not an issue of weight & body image, but a realization that this body is my temple, that I am supposed to worship through it and that evangelistically a person who does not take care of their body does not seem to be representing a religion that makes a difference in people.
4. Develop a stong prayer & devotion life - My lack of spiritual disciplines is noticible, but the issue is that I am experiencing a lacking in my relationship with my Lord because of my own foolish decision to not try at it. If I cannot assemble a decent relationship with the Lord, how can I even dare to think that I am fit for a good relationship with another person, or even truly seek an intimate relationship with somebody.
5 - and fairly unrelated -. I need to fix the "p" button on my computer - While I was in Australia, I was eating rice over my computer, and a single grain managed to get under the keys. while coming back to America, the grain moved from under the left arrow key to under my p, so often the key does not actually take, and this is very annoying, I dont need this kind of struggle while I share intimate moments in my life.

If you have read this, far, thank you. Also, please pray. I would appreciate any prayer for me, but I would really like that you prayerfully consider yourself, that you may find a way to become the best you. Also, pray for my family, and for yours as well; we are not the only ones who struggle.