Been Too Long... ...In a Bad Mood.

I have been feeling slightly empty lately... I do not like it.

I am not where I want to be, and I am struggling to get there, and I feel as though I cannot do this. I want to rest in the Lord, but my burdens distract me from it. I am not energetic like I used to be; never inspired. The kindness that came from my heart is dimmed and I feel as though I can no longer be genuine when I tell the truth. My posture is horrid and my attitude is worse. Occasionally I can feel my face pursed into a position that shows that there is not an ounce of happiness within me.

I feel as though I am a remnant of my family; not truly one of them but cannot truly separate. I consider myself a burden unto my friends. I cannot keep my word even to myself, yet dare to call myself a man of his word. Everyone that walks past me seems more like shadows of people I once had a connection with, not the people in search of becoming greater that they truly are. Everyone is better than me, and I am chasing an idea to find a peace that cannot exist within me.

It even feels as though I have even run Christ out of my life, accepting him into me and asking him to change me, then forcing him out at the first sign of him doing as I had wished. I blame him in my spare time, asking him how he could allow things to get so bad, and never choose to see that he may be making me better, or even that much of this is my own doing. I act and talk as though I want him in my life, but have on several occassions felt the need to question if this is even true.

I sought discipline, and turned out to be another disaster. I still seek it, but I lay awake at night wondering how I could have managed to let another day go by without even considering the disciplines I claimed to desire. I do not pray, meditate, fast, study, submit, serve, confess, worship, guide, or celebrate, not even when forced; nor do I seek simplicity or solitude. I am a creature of disgusting pride, showing off my latest gadgets to everyone and telling everyone of the "great progress" I have been making in my life.

I let time slip away from me while I do nothing. I spend the entire day thinking of all the things that I should have done by now, and never actually spend the day doing those things in order to carelessly spend time on things and people who truly need it. The time I waste is not even on me, its just voids of my life, creating no memories or chances for something great to happen.

Truly this cannot be what I am to expect of life, there must be something greater in store for me. Am I in a dark night of faith? Is there something great headed towards me that I cannot see because of my self-inflicted spiritual blindness? Is God going to fulfill his promises to me? Can I feel connected once again to this world and the inhabitants of it? May I one day even come to love greatly those who I consider despicable? May I feel loved once again, or truly for the first time?

I have not been as focused as I could be lately; my studies, my relationships, and my body have been suffering because I have kept myself weak and unguarded. I feel the pressure building upon me and I still fail to do what is necessary and do not show that I have what it takes to truly succeed. I cannot even submit to the Lord properly.

Music is dull to me. Television in no more than a waste of time. Food tastes bland and redundant. Water does not quench my thirst. Alcohol does not lift my spirits. Games do not entertain me. Clothes do not cover me. My bed provides no rest. Technology is no convenience. No shower can make me feel clean. So why can't I just seek the Lord, like I know I should, and finally gain the peace and joy I have been seeking so long? Do I not want Him?

I want to let go.
I don't want to be lonely anymore.

Pray, I need you.