I am such a simple and fallen fool.
Thank God for being so great and wonderful! I failed yet again to see what he had wanted to show me and now I am beginning to piece together just a little more of what the Lord is working to accomplish in my life.
Over the past few days I have been feeling a little down and slightly depressed. I was not sure why this was, but I recognized that I needed some encouragement in my life and my attempts to become a better person. I only realize now that this thought was foolish and the mark of a person who was not aware of the true goings on in his own life. The search for encouragement was really a vain attempt for recognition of the efforts I have been putting forward to make myself a better and more Christlike man. What I failed to realize was that the Lord was holding me back from feeling these encouragements because He knew that I would only use them to give credit to my own efforts, even though the one who is truly doing all the work in me was not myself, but the holy Creator.
We all need encouragements in our lives from time to time, but there is also times when we need to focus on knowing that it is the Lord who deserves all the credit. The Father has been using this experience to help teach me this and gain in me a greater wisdom that I may use to further the Kingdom. The Christian life is to be filled with both blessings and hardships, both of which is truly a blessing from the Lord for the furtherance of His Kingdom.
The Lord has been helping me grow in patience and lessen my need for instant gratification, helping me to become more dependent and trusting on Him and to become more of the man I truly need to be.
On to a different matter...
I have been praying and meditating to the Lord with the intention of building a greater relationship to Him, and yet I feel as though my relationships here are dwindling and few in number. I am not saying that I need more friends, but that I am in a state where I feel disconnected and that I am losing contact with others. I want to feel as though there is somebody in the same place that I am in my spiritual journey and I want to hug them and cry with them. This does not mean that I am depressed, but rather I want to find them and have a deep connection with them and dig to deep emotional levels and truly let out all my feelings and feel like there is somebody that I am truly and fully open to.
I do this with the Lord in my prayers and meditation, but I sometimes feel that I do not have that tangible person who I can feel see and hear with me expressing the same level of openness and trust. Call me out on this if you feel so led, but I sometimes feel that the Lord does not want to fully open Himself up to me because I am not yet fulfilled to His loving standards, and until then I cannot be fully trusted either. In my heart I know he is this way with Christ, who is in me, but I feel that because I am not yet complete that I am blocked from feeling Him. O how I want to be that way, and how my heart longs for this, but I cannot help but feel damned and humiliated by my own fallen nature and my own resistance to my own will.
Pray, because your life depends on it.
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Perhaps it isn't God that's withholding, but it's KenKen in your way.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought. I haven't really thought this through yet.
Either way, God really is using you, and it almost makes me cry how wonderful it is!
everything you say is amazing to me.
ReplyDeleteit is such an encouragement to me to see how you are growing, it makes me want to grow more too! Christ is certainly using all of us to help each other. ahhh, the beauty of the church.
i also struggle with wanting people to acknowledge my growth and such, which is only natural because we really should be encouraging one another, but you're right, we need to be humble. i know i always reference mewithoutYou, but there's a song called "Wolf am I" that I relate to and it just happens to be on this subject!
thanks for being honest about your struggles, too many people aren't.