Tougher Than Expected

I find the process of becoming a better person to be filled with more difficulty than previously projected, and that my life is and has been in far worse shape than I would have originally thought.

Now that the base layer of the entry is laid out, let me begin with notes of interest...
God is good, great, and the perfect redeemer. He has brought me so far from where I was and is guiding me ever more towards a more refined aspect of betterment. He has been with me and my family and has helped me to become something far greater than what I could have thought of myself to be. The Lord has blessed me far more than I recognize and far more that I would deserve if it were not that He is pleased in Christ, who resides within me. Through Christ, I am not only forgiven my sins, but am pleasing to God, and I am grateful for this.

So why am I so down-trotted?
I am sad to say that I took on this venture ill-prepared, not fully recognizing the weight of sin in my life (not claiming that I have seen all my sin thusly, but that I failed to acknowledge the fall to its true extent) and how great the impact of the fall has been permitted to reign in my life.
When I went home, I was tried and tested by people who were not aware that they were testing me. At home, I reside in a secular social sphere; and they act in a manner that they see fit that they fail to recognize as sin. The result of this is that they encouraged me to maintain a life of sin without even knowing it. The problem was that they were not aware of the goals that have been set before me in my quest to become more Christlike; the result of which is that they continued on as though I was not pursuing change or have even changed at all at that point.

What became the most alerting was when I returned back to Geneva after the Spring Break. I was not aware that people held certain views of me as strongly as they did. If you have not known or I have not made it clear to you before, I have for that larger portion of my life placed myself at a lower setting than I should have carried myself in order for people to not depend on me for anything. I did not want to be in a relationship with any person, I didn't even want to be considered as an asset to people. I maintained friendships only for the reasons of maintaining my sanity and to serve my own purposes. People were not a priority on my list, and I did as I pleased so that no man could say that I was lower than them.

Where this manifested, however, I was not prepared for. As I have begun my process of seeking out the best possible me, I thought that the most encouraging place would be my house at Kerr, with my brothers in Christ. The day that I came back was St. Patrick's Day. Most of the house wanted to go to the local bar, and I opted not to go. I thought this was a simple refusal of a night with alcohol, but the dismissal of the invites led to shock among the people who live in the house. This made me come to quite a realization. I tell most people that I will drink usually at most of once a week, and more than likely not to any excess (often not even to the point of legitimate intoxication) on account of the strong alcoholism that lies in my bloodline on either side of my family. So when I turned them down, it seemed natural to me, and it was not the first time I did not go drinking with the guys. When they were shocked, though, I realized that they had an expectation of me that involved me being a habitual drinker who was anticipating the Christian holiday that is stereotypically honored via sinful behaviour with great delight. This act alerted me to the expectations peole hold for me, and that I often dive into head first without much thought. One of the other exectations is that I will swear at a seemingly constant rate, and that the word that most often comes out of my mouth is more than likely of ill-repute.

This means that there is an even greater amount of work that I have to do in order to become a better person. Reputation is an important thing, and Christians should be aware of their reputation because it can heavily affect your ability to do great works for the advancement of the Kingdom of God. My reputation is of a rather lowly person, from whom love does not overflow and who delights in exploring sins as a replacement for the Lord. I was for a time not even aware that this is what people subconciously depicted me as. Now I have to do something that I would have never even considered as an intelligent or reasonable thing, I have to live down a bad reputation. I have to let people down as the leader of sin. The Lord has opened my eyes to the fact that I have to deny myself by letting people down in their expectations of my heavily flawed character, whom they found to be endearing because of their fallen state.

Please continue to pray for me, I am in need of your help.